paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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