I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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