Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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