I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
