I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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