I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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