Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
