I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
