how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
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I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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