Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
