Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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