glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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