I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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