i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
