you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
