Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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