Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
