Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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