it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
