i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
even my farts smell like vagina
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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