dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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