I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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