I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
