i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
