I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
