did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
