apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
