Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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