I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
