Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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