3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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