Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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