I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
