Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
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I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
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We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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