I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
