I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
