Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
