there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
