She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
you made out with another girl for some wings
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
