you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
