Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(407): View more from Florida

You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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(518): View more from New York

when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'

(1-518): View more from New York

i pity the fetus.

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?

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(302): View more from Delaware

He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.

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