Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
