Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He passed out mid-signature
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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