a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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