Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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