oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
