It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
