soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
