My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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