??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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