i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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