I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
