god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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