i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
